Though the decor screams old money sophistication, reminiscent of an establishment one would frequent while being subjected to a coke and Crystal fueled evening accompanied by unshowered sociopathic Saudi Sheiks and Tony Montana clone Cocaine Cowboys on Miami’s south beach, and the mid day clientele is RIGHT up my alley (Hoards of 40 something divorcee cock fisherman, with nothing to do all day but get hammer drunk on Pinot Grigio and festively crafted shots with names like Botox Besos and Amaretto Areola, paying on alimony supported Black Cards painstaking earned from years of subjecting their various orifices to sex acts so unspeakable, the very mention would force battle hardened Iraq war veterans into subsequent years of intense PTSD counseling) the food is sub par at best.

Cock fisherman of Bev Hills REJOICE… You’ve discovered the promised land.

You would assume, and or expect, that with price tags mirroring that of the entire GDP of Kenya, that a masterfully constructed edible second coming of the messiah would float from out their kitchen, landing flawlessly onto the absurdly stark white artists canvas, or what I’ll now be coining as “Hospital Steril Chic” place setting before you, culminating in a sensory overloading, taste bud titillating, mouth orgasm so intense it violently propels you into a 15 minute exorcist inspired bought of speaking in tongues. Sadly however, the only orgasm you’ll receive while at Villa Blanca will come from your bi-curious zoolander-esque model waiter who’ll graciously provide hand release services to both male and female patrons table side for a generous added gratuity he’ll readily explain is to help pay for the calf implants he desperately needs to rocket his runway career to that next level. In my opinion, if you’re strictly going there for the food I’d recommend simply saving the mortgage payment and instead opting for the Olive Garden in Reseda, where Villa Blanca’s Exec. Chef works the line 3 nights a week.

The pictures might just tell it all. We started light with freshly cooked Japanese peppers and a homemade  tofu dish (pictured above). We then moved on to some live sweet shrimp breathing their last signs of life on our plates. Next, they took our shrimp heads, steamed them, and brought them out  in our Miso Soup. Um Raging! From there we moved into halibut and abalone sushi which showed off its top notch quality in both it’s presentation and in my mouth. We topped it all off with the dish of the night, the salmon rice with fresh salmon eggs thing. I dont know the Japanese term for the dish so if you go just show them the picture below and say “Dear Godly Japan Man, Please make this enter my mouth very soon. Arigato.” Prices are unreal, atmosphere is small, cozy, japanese style. …Just go there, I’m super serial.

Salt’s Cure: Most Raging Burger I’ve had in 2011!

Tell me where else in LA you will find all California grown and raised meats, butchered in house, and then placed in front of you just so your taste buds can rage… To top that, everything at Salt’s Cure is made there. YES EVERYTHING. Including hot sauce, burger buns, ketchup, juice, bread, the list goes on. So, want to enter that “Umami” state of taste? Then eat a burger at Salts Cure and skip Umami Burger. I don’t know where the head chef/butcher learned this but he packs the fresh meat from Ojai, in what he refers to as the burger stadium! Epic, see above for how this raging burg is packed before it hits the grill.

The best part about Salt’s cure is you feel like you should after eating fresh meat. It’s almost refreshing! You can eat a huge burger and because it is so fresh and has no nonsense chemicals or preservatives, you don’t feel like a heavy POS afterward. If you go, I recommend sitting at the bar so you can watch the chefs do their thing. Be prepared to pay a little extra ($12-15) for a sandwich or burger…..its so worth it though. You are paying for raging quality. Take a trip here ASAP and divulge yourself in some of the best meats in all of LA!

Luxury – Thats Correct! It’s Luxurious for a recently released prison inmate.

Fusion - Thats Correct! You are greeted by everything from a naked roman statue, to a neon lit open sign,  Asian schoolgirl pop music videos, and edamame smothered in garlic dressing. That’s definitely fusion alright.

Roll – Thats Correct! off my chair and into the toilet!

House – That’s Correct! I want to run back to my house after bite number 1 and scream at myself in the mirror.

The only word missing in this inspiring tagline is the word WET. Yes, Luxury Fusion WET Roll House. Everything I had, especially the sushi was extremely wet and a bit smushy. Isn’t that like a Snooki thing? Wet and smushy? Something like that ….Anyways, the fish was just not that fresh…Maybe I caught the last batch at the end of the week. Sick. The atmosphere is out of control, out of place, and borderline unbelievable. I mean that literally, I cant actually believe that somebody made the interior look like that. Vibrant red, greek statues, tables where your feet sink in the bottom, cheapo barstools, flags waving on the rooftop, chandeliers shaped like Medusas head with big ass bulbs hanging everywhere??? Jesus. Oh and the best is the music, in case you don’t hear enough Pitbull already you can hit up Kodoku and get pumped top 40 music and listen to pitbull …in new york with a kodak take a picture with a kodak look at me with a kodak…..wtf is that bullshit anyways? Check please..my stomach hurts…thank god this place is cheap!

GO take a shit burger.

There was nothing pleasant about my 30 dollar burger+beer meal at Go burger. One bite and I wanted to GO home. The meat was chewy and the lettuce was wet and soggy . The sauce was beat and the bun was ultra soft. Overall this is just one sad attempt at a burger joint that coulda killed it had they focused on the food before the atmosphere and adult milkshakes …..because we all know how big of a market there is for adult milkshakes….thumbs down. Oh and they have really cool shirts for sale that say TIP WAITERS, NOT COWS. HAHAHAHAHAHA so funny HAHAHAHA its just so funny…….(I wish I could draw a Huge thumbsdown right here)

Panini’s are off the charts!

The woman who owns Froma Is especially accommodating as well. Confident in her products and ready to make your experience worth while. I left Froma pleasantly surprised and happy. On my second trip back I thought to myself that maybe my first visit was beginners luck but I had the same experience this time ordering a roaasted turkey panini with a great house mustard and sundried tomatoes. Again my little buds raged and I left  thinking….Damn that was good! Froma has now become my escape…the place I go to get some lunch by myself, stare out the window, and lunch in peace with my panini. Rage on Froma! Rage on!

Katsuyum!

At Katsuya you know what you’re going to get before you get there. Hollywood’s most elite wannabes hanging out at the bar, a wait time of 30 min or more, a few out of place  tourists, and maybe a handful of normal people in the corner. If you go, I would recommend you sit at their monstrous sushi bar. Then, It’s time to let the taste buds rage with the chefs Omakase. You can go sushi only or get the Omakase with some of their cooked dishes as well. Whichever you decide, let the chefs choose your meal. You wont be let down. The quality is impeccable, the presentation is simple, and the taste is usually heavenly. So get dressed up like Rico Suave,  put your party pants on, and go empty your wallet at Katsuya…and Dont forget to wear a cup so you don’t nail your genitals on one of those pylons on the way out.

This is a place you can really sink your teeth into. That’s right, the croutons aren’t just stale, your teeth actually sink into them. Seriously? In my opinion, it’s inhumane to sell salads with croutons like that. Of course, that’s just the Caesar’s salad, and this is a pizzeria. Yet, when I asked for a slice of pepperoni, they said they were out. How can a pizza place be out of pepperoni? It’s like KFC running out of original recipe, it’s wrong! What, am I going to go to KFC just for gravy and corn on the cob? Wrong.

And I could stand the mediocre pizza, the slow service (how long does it take to go to the fridge and get dressing? Do you need a map, miss?), and perhaps if I was desperate, I could pick out the ancient croutons- but what I really cannot stand are the hordes of fraggots frequenting the place for its beer and sports channels. Between the tank top and rainbows-sporting frat boys playing a round of flip cup to see who picks up the tab on my one side, and two of this college sub-species discussing the alterior acronymic possibilities for GTL on my other, I wouldn’t come here again if I discovered they sprinkled their Caesar salads with little pieces of crouton-shaped gold.

Fraggot Free Zone!

Yes 9 bucks for 5 tacos in LA on Melrose. Oh wait is that not cool? Come on man they need to do something hip and upcharge cuz this is LA man and we find some kind of sick pleasure in going to places like Milk and telling people we paid $12 for a milk shake man. NO! That’s not cool, its retarded and haggard.  Anyways, at Frida each traditional soft taco was equally as good and different from the other. The carnitas was especially raging topped with some fresh pico de gallo and the oh so hot and soo good… Habenero salsa. That pink, orange, purple stuff is orgasmically orgasmic. That doesnt make sense…and neither does how good that salsa is. The asada and citrus lime pork tacos were super yumm too.

Raging Habenero Salsa

Aside from these killer tacos, Frida is fun and actually a good spot to dine in at if your trying to grab a quick bite. They’ve got tv’s to catch games on and a small patio if you want to sit out side. They do taco happy hours throughout the week too where you can get tacos and burritos super cheap. And last but not least, they are open late, because no where would be better to stumble into than Frida at 3am when you are completely shitfaced drunk.

$14 taco plate = Not Raging

After you get over the prices you may start to look around and notice that the atmosphere is quite cozy. They have some authentic Mexican decor mixed with Lakers flags and 500000 photos of the owner with some celebrities from the old days. The pictures are pretty fun to look at ONLY because the owner is always wearing this overly raging and ridiculous Mexican costume …otherwise known as his “work clothes” back in the day. If that dude was wearing that outfit when I walked in I would have thought I was entering a Halloween parlor. Either way, the guy is awesome and greets every customer at the door. The tacos were actually really good along with the Mole! The chicken fajitas were pretty bomb too but they came out in a sauce that felt a little Chinese or Thai to me. I mean look at that picture, does that not look like something from your local Thai restaurant? I think Antonios is a one hit wonder. You’ll like it once but wont be able to justify going back for the prices they charge.