After years of eating my way through LA’s best and worst food troughs, I’ve recently felt compelled to share my experiences with world. Hello LA, I’m Hunter Max. Prepare to be dazzled by my culinary exploits. And it begins with the bejeweled skid mark that is Villa Blanca…
Though the decor screams old money sophistication, reminiscent of an establishment one would frequent while being subjected to a coke and Crystal fueled evening accompanied by unshowered sociopathic Saudi Sheiks and Tony Montana clone Cocaine Cowboys on Miami’s south beach, and the mid day clientele is RIGHT up my alley (Hoards of 40 something divorcee cock fisherman, with nothing to do all day but get hammer drunk on Pinot Grigio and festively crafted shots with names like Botox Besos and Amaretto Areola, paying on alimony supported Black Cards painstaking earned from years of subjecting their various orifices to sex acts so unspeakable, the very mention would force battle hardened Iraq war veterans into subsequent years of intense PTSD counseling) the food is sub par at best.
Cock fisherman of Bev Hills REJOICE… You’ve discovered the promised land.
You would assume, and or expect, that with price tags mirroring that of the entire GDP of Kenya, that a masterfully constructed edible second coming of the messiah would float from out their kitchen, landing flawlessly onto the absurdly stark white artists canvas, or what I’ll now be coining as “Hospital Steril Chic” place setting before you, culminating in a sensory overloading, taste bud titillating, mouth orgasm so intense it violently propels you into a 15 minute exorcist inspired bought of speaking in tongues. Sadly however, the only orgasm you’ll receive while at Villa Blanca will come from your bi-curious zoolander-esque model waiter who’ll graciously provide hand release services to both male and female patrons table side for a generous added gratuity he’ll readily explain is to help pay for the calf implants he desperately needs to rocket his runway career to that next level. In my opinion, if you’re strictly going there for the food I’d recommend simply saving the mortgage payment and instead opting for the Olive Garden in Reseda, where Villa Blanca’s Exec. Chef works the line 3 nights a week.
- Villa Blanca
- 9601 Brighton Way Beverly Hills, CA 90210
- (310) 859.7600